Wednesday, January 11, 2012

"I wanna hold your hand..."

I honestly meant to put these pictures up a while ago.
But better late than never!
Here is Noah at my 20 weeks appointment...
I'm now 30 weeks along
only 10 more weeks and he's here :)

William Noah Lamb 10/28/2011

Here he is sucking his thumb

Here's his little foot. Looks like he's going to have looooong toes like his daddy.
(One of Hunter's toes is the same length as one of my fingers. I'm not kidding.)

Here's his weewee! He's a boy! See?

I found myself singing "I Want to Hold Your Hand" by the Beatles tonight, and I thought "Isn't that clever?" I'll explain in a minute...

Around the 2nd weekend of this past July, Hunter and I took a weekend trip to Chattanooga. We had so much fun that weekend as a married couple. We were approaching our 4th anniversary and still felt like newly weds. We spent the days exploring every nook and cranny in Chattanooga and stayed up late at night. We ate amazing food and bought the best souvenirs. One night, we were walking down Market Street after eating a late dinner. We were holding hands and flirting like those annoying teenagers you see at the mall. All we could talk about was how glad we were that even after being a couple for 6 years, we could still have so much fun together. We were thankful that we could slip away, just the two of us, and spend every waking moment together without boredom, fighting or....... chasing after a child. We talked about how so many people our age, and even younger than us, get pregnant or have babies not long after marriage. We couldn't comprehend why people would want to have a child so quickly without first enjoying several years as just husband and wife together.

Hunter and I both love children, but a child of our own just wasn't a desire any time soon. Marriage together was just too good. We reminded ourselves of a conversation we'd had on our third anniversary. We had "the baby talk." We both agreed at the time that we would start trying to get pregnant around our 4th anniversary. We laughed at the memory, as we approached our 4th anniversary and realized there was no way we were ready to have children. "One more year.... AT LEAST. Maybe..... MAYBE we'll start trying around our 5th anniversary." we said. There we were, just the two of us, laughing about what we would do if we found out we were pregnant. We thought we had such a great little plan, but apparently our plan was insufficient....

A few weeks later, something started to happen. We'd been slammed at work all summer and I found myself with blood shot eyes all day, every day due to constant stress. Some days I'd have anxiety. It started to get so bad, that I would begin my day with nausea, running to the office restroom to vomit. This was happening every day! I called it an anxiety attack. Then it clicked. What..... if..... this is... .morning.... sick---------ness..................... No. It wasn't. I knew it wasn't. I mentioned the idea to Hunter (who was on tour). He demanded I take a pregnancy test. I refused. I told him that was absurd and there was no way I was going to waste my money on a test. We struck a deal- he told me if I got sick again the next day that I HAD to take a test. I laughed and agreed. He called me on lunch the next day, July 28th.



"Did you throw up this morning?"

"Um.... yeah......"


"Hunter, I'm not pregnant. It's stress."

"Please. Please. PLEASE go buy a test! Please! Just to ease my mind......"

"Ok, but I'm telling you, it's going to be negative."

I went to Target and bought a pack of 3 tests. I drove back to work, then went straight to the restroom. It was the test that gives you results in 3 minutes. After 3 minutes, I sarcastically rolled my eyes and picked up the stick. "Yup. Told ya. NOT PREGNANT. Wait. Two lines means no, right?" I tore the box open and ripped out the instructions. "Two lines means yes. Two lines means yes. I'm pregnant." My heart was beating so fast, I felt like I was going to faint. I stared in the mirror for what felt like an eternity and said "Oh my gosh" about 200 times.

I walked back to my desk, picked up the phone and dialed Hunter's number.

"There was two lines."

"Oh? Um.... what does that mean?"

"Two lines means it was positive."

"Positive? Does positive mean you're pregnant?"



I don't really remember our conversation after that, I just remember feelings of shock and not knowing what to say. I do know that Hunter was excited, but I made him promise to keep it a secret until he got home (which was still two weeks away) because I wanted our families to be the first people to find out. I feel so bad now that I made him keep it a secret because he was so excited and was bursting at the seams to tell everyone on the bus--- I'm so thankful he was excited because I stayed in shock for the first month after taking the test.

My first doctor's appointment was August 19th. I will never forget seeing Noah on that screen. There he was just dancing around like a little gummy bear. He was growing inside of ME. I was going to have a BABY with a man that I was overwhelmingly in love with. I couldn't believe it. When my doctor told me how far along I was, we realized I'd gotten pregnant sometime in mid June. So I was pregnant that weekend we were in Chattanooga... walking down Market Street..... giddy in love...... planning out our lives....... that specifically didn't involve babies anytime soon. I pictured God listening to us and chuckling out of amusement. I could hear Him saying as we had our funny little convo about babies,

"No, no, you two... I know the plans I have for you.... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. You are Mine, so you don't make those plans, silly kids."

The other night, I woke dead from my sleep at 2:00 a.m. I was scared and Hunter sensed my fear, waking him up. I felt convicted of a state of mind I'd let myself slip into. As Hunter encouraged me to tell him what was going through my head, the tears poured and I felt so much release. He prayed with me and what's been ringing in my ears since I heard the words leave his lips is "God, help us to remember that Your plan is perfect."

After a very, very, very hard first 6 months of pregnancy emotionally, physically and mentally, watching someone I loved so much go to Heaven, with a husband whom I only got to see a handful of times, if that, I can honestly say I'm thankful. For whatever reason, I'm thankful for everything I've been through since July 28th.

I think we stray away so easily, sometimes not even recognizing we've strayed. All the while, God is whispering (as the Beatles famously sang) "I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand....." And once we take His hand, that grasp changes everything.

I'm still scared, but there is so much excitement. I cannot wait to see my baby that's been growing inside me for the first time. I cannot wait to watch Hunter become a daddy and to feel what it means to be a mother. We're gonna be a family!! When I start to fall into the trap of stress, fear and worry, I must counter it with the truth that is simply this: His plan is ALWAYS perfect.