Friday, February 19, 2010

I know I said I wouldn't post another "Jesus Calling" devo but......

I guess I'll start this post with saying that the last few days have been emotionally draining for me. Obviously, the fact of what I did on Valentine's day never left my mind. Guilt just followed me around like a dark cloud. And my guilt was magnified with the response of silence, the response of more judgement and the response of anger/disappointment. But the second I decided to post those comments about my husband, I ASKED FOR the things to follow. You make a choice, you gotta deal with the consequences.

All that to say, I woke up yesterday hoping more than anything that I would open up Jesus Calling and read the exact words I needed to hear. Not only was I overwhelmed at the perfect words God placed on the pages that day for me, but for the reaffirmation of the support I was already being given from sweet words of my friends and husband. So I feel I need to share this:

"I AM WITH YOU. These four words are like a safety net, protecting you from falling into despair. Because you are human, you will always have ups and downs in your life experience. But the promise of My Presence limits how far down you can go. Sometimes you may feel as if you are in a free fall, when people or things you had counted on let you down. Yet as soon as you remember that I am with you, your perspective changes radically. Instead of bemoaning your circumstances, you can look to Me for help. You recall that not only am I with you, I am holding you by your right hand. I guide you with My counsel, and afterward I will take you into Glory. This is exactly the perspective you need: the reassurance of My Presence, and the glorious hope of Heaven."

It ended with this verse, which I found when I was 18 and have since then held so close to my heart:
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
-Psalm 73:26

I hope this is encouraging for you today, because it was everything I needed to read yesterday. I am blown away by the equation that is simply seek the Lord and embrace His presence and He will give you exactly what He knows you need.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I haven't been myself lately. I am with 5 different little cuties monday-friday for a total of 49.5 hours a week and then when I come home, it doesn't stop. I make sure to cook dinner, and then have to clean that up, as well as maintain the rest of my house. Then I constantly think about everything else that needs to be done, like pay bills, get things settled from when our Jetta got hit recently, do our tax returns, go to the grocery store, do the endless pile of laundry, feed the dumb cat and scoop out his litter box.... the list goes on and on, I never get to quit. Therefore, I haven't been myself lately. I've let myself wear too thin and I stretched out too far the other day that I snapped. And made a fool of myself.

My idea for this Valentine's day didn't co-exist with Hunter's idea for this Valentine's day. Now, I will say that I gave Hunter a good head's up before V-day to please make it "special." In my terms, "special" was defined as make breakfast, clean something, a rose would be nice, let me have a break from my crazy life. In Hunter's terms, "special" meant a really thoughtful gift and dinner at a fun restaurant. BELIEVE ME, we did study The Five Love Languages and BELIEVE ME, we are still working on tending to each other's love language. But I slipped for a moment in thinking that Hunter just might have perfected my love language for Valentine's day. And because NO ONE is perfect, he did not (just as I have not perfected his love language). And because I was holding up such expectations, rather than embrace the incredible things that Hunter DID HAVE for me on Sunday, I crashed uncontrollably. I got sucked into what incredible things everyone was doing on V-day and dwelling on what I didn't get (or I guess, "didn't get what I wanted") and lashed out.

I do this when I'm in a weak season, because I let myself stray from focusing on my Stability, my King. I lash out. And I don't even think about the consequences in that moment- literally, they don't even cross my mind- all I want is for everyone to know what I'm going through right then and there. I said some things on facebook that implied that my husband had "failed me" for Valentine's day, and yeah. People noticed. My family is mad at me, heck, people I don't even know all that well are mad at me.

Here's the thing. Hunter is so loving, laid back and easy going. Me- I'm complex, emotional and almost too deeply involved in thoughts (that can be good, but in my case, it's bad a lot of the times... if that makes sense). So you've got a man who loves his wife so much that she can do no wrong. And then you've got a girl who is needy, but loves her husband more than anything in the world, but still needs him to make the effort in meeting her needs... if that makes sense. Whatever. My thoughts on Valentine's day were "I do so much for Hunter, I just want today to be an excuse for him to do for me all that I do for him......." I honestly saw no harm in that. But my thoughts backfired, because instead of getting on my knees and praying for strength to overcome it, I used a weapon. I mean, I can't even begin to describe to you the look he gave me when he started getting those texts and phone calls saying how mean I am. He knew right away that I posted something....

No, I don't think I held ridiculous expectations over Hunter's head that day, but WHAT WAS RIDICULOUS was how I handled it. I regret so much letting everyone on facebook know that I was having a bad Valentine's day, rather than keeping it a private matter between me and my husband.

After much crying and talking things through, Hunter ended our day with making dinner and dessert. Then, we watched our wedding dvd. I was reminded by the kind words from people in the video that mine and Hunter's marriage was arranged by the Lord. I know people are questioning our relationship now, but we do have such an incredible marriage. I blame what happened on Sunday on no one but myself. It's my fault I was in that state and it's my fault that I was disappointed. If I would have never strayed from the Lord's refuge in these times, then thoughts that my husband "let me down" would have never creeped in and destroyed my judgement. I am completely ashamed that I let my moment of weakness take over me and lash out publicly against my husband. Thanks to my husband's unconditional love and beautiful ability to forgive, we've overcome what I did on facebook. Now I pray for forgiveness from you and from myself.