"Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace"

I wrote this down on Christmas Eve:

December 24, 2009

From Jan. 1 to this very day, I think we all have had a stressful year. It's been emotionally draining from beginning to end and it ended with a bang with the loss of Pawpaw. Since he's been gone, not a single day goes by where I don't think about him. Losing him, by far, has been one of the biggest tragedies of my life and it's been such a battle choosing not to dwell in his absence. I tear up everyday, usually leading to a "boohoo", sometimes even 2 to 3 times a day. If there was ever a worst year to lose a loved one, this was it.

All that to say, it's been extremely difficult getting into the focus of the true meaning of Christmas. I definitely haven't been myself since November 2, so how can I try to make my heart feel something when sometimes I just want to feel nothing at all?

I've been praying the last few weeks for God to bring peace and joy into my life just so I am able to celebrate His Son's birth this Christmas. I pray that He takes away the sadness that is blocking my heart from remembering that night Jesus was born to save us. I've just wanted REST from the fact that my Pawpaw IS GONE. Especially since from now on, our holidays will no longer be shared with him.

One specific day, I was praying with such an urgency in my heart. I wanted the Lord to know how important His peace for my soul is for this Christmas. I prayed "God, just let me know that I can get through all of this while trying to deal with our tragedy."

And, sure enough, the Lord put Pawpaw being Heaven into perspective for me. He said "Heather, I know that you are so sad, even angry, that I took Pawpaw. But I want you to know how happy he is." You can't imagine how bittersweet it is to hear that from the Lord. God showed me that, in Heaven, Christmas is a whole new story, a whole different celebration from how we do it here on earth. He said that every single person realizes that they are IN HEAVEN because of Christmas. They realize "Christmas is why I'm here today!"

I thought of Pawpaw falling on his knees due to his first experience of Christmas in Heaven. What a party they must be throwing! All those times we sing "Away in a manger", all those times we hear the Christmas story in church or read it in the Bible, well the members in Heaven are hearing it straight from the mouth of Jesus! How overwhelmingly beautiful that must be! They are celebrating the birth of our King WITH THE KING HIMSELF.

THIS will be the most amazing Christmas Pawpaw has ever celebrated. The TRUE meaning of Christmas will hit him like a mack truck and I can only imagine the tears of joy he will shed because of it. I cannot wait to celebrate Christmas with my whole heart in Heaven and I'm so thankful that Pawpaw is doing that as we speak.

Typical of this man. Thank you, Savannah, for posting more pictures!!!

charlie brown-ish

Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree

Hunter and I went to pick out our Christmas tree on December 2 at Lowe's. They had such a beautiful selection and really good prices- we were so excited! We got our tree and loaded it up. It smelled exactly how Christmas is supposed to smell.

Here's the beautiful tree we picked out in all it's voluptuous glory. It was full and fat and looked incredible once we got all the ornaments on it. BUT.......

I noticed that it wasn't drinking water from the start. I was a good little Christmas tree keeper and checked on it everyday. The water level never went down, but I'd still fill it up a little bit in hopes that it would absorb. Before I knew it, the branches started drooping and the ornaments hanging on the lowest part of the tree were touching the ground. The needles began to fall with the slightest touch. The evergreen smell quickly faded. It wasn't bright and green. But I was in denial that it died.

Then one day, my parents came over. I said "SEE OUR TREE??? Isn't it amazing??"

Dad touched it. He replied "It's dry as a bone....."

Then mom came inside and immediately looked at the tree. She said "Um. Your tree is dead."

"NOOOOO!!!!!"

Mom explained to me that if it was worth it to make the effort, I could take all the ornaments off, load it back in my car and get my money back because LOWES GUARANTEES THEIR PLANTS AND TREES!

So I loaded it back up. The whole drive over to Lowes, I was on the verge of crying. I just felt like I was doing something wrong. I'd gotten so attached to the tree, whenever I'd look in my rear view mirror, all I saw was our precious tree and it's pine needles blowing in the wind as if it were fur from a deer I had killed for the first time.

So.

I got to Lowes. Yes, they said, this tree is dead. Here's your $28 bucks.

I took one look at their measly selection and said "I'm going to Home Depot...."

Thank goodness Home Depot still had 7 foot trees left. But there were no full, beautiful, luscious trees to choose from. My heart sank as I propped up each orphan tree and realized I was going to bring home something sad. I picked out one to the best of my ability, loaded it up and sadly drug it through our front door.

Hunter came home and forced a smile. "It's so skinny....."

"Yes, I know, Hunter...."

We put up the ornaments with frowns and all I could think about the whole time was our first tree just laying in the trunk and loading it in a buggy and leaving it behind...

So this is our new tree. Very Skinny. Very sparse. Got a little chunk missing on the right side. But after we decorated it, I stood back and stared at it for a while. I thought,

"You know, our other tree got to spend a good 2 weeks here in our living room. It listened to our praises and had a good life. So now it's time to puff up this tree's pride. If it weren't for us, this poor tree might still be out in the cold at Home Depot knowing it's rejection. Now it's inside all warm and glowy and it saved us from a possible fire cause by dry dead pine needles and hot Christmas lights..... yeah..... Now it's time for this tree to have it's glory. I couldn't stand the thought of this tree being alone on Christmas day. This is OUR tree."

So there you have it. This is the tree that saved Christmas....

:)

Merry, merry Christmas

this song reminds me of.....

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

"In the frosty aaaiiiirrrr"

7:30 am, on my way to be with the boys. the grounds are covered in frost, so much so that i thought it had snowed.

all i can say on the drive there is "wow, God..."

doing my laundry. me and hunter wear pawpaw's socks. they speak mounds about his personality. i'm sure he's quite the entertainment up there.

miss him...