It's time I put a picture up on my blog....

Dear, sweet Cuz D bought us this picture when we visited Gatlinburg with her!

I found a blog of a sweet couple with a sweet baby.

Sounds like every blog, right?

This baby tugs at my heart and I wish I could meet him!

Click here to meet Jonah.

The thoughts for this post just came on a whim, so it may seem disorganized, but I hope it makes sense.

Last night, I was reading about the magnitude 8.8 quake that took place in Chile Saturday. What caught my eye was that the death toll has reached around 700-800. I tried to imagine such a number of people all dying at once and couldn't. So knowing that Haiti just suffered an earthquake 6 weeks ago, I googled the death toll from that disaster.

230,000.

At first, my eyes scanned over the article I found and read 23,000. Immediately I felt devastated. Then I glanced again and reread 230,000. I think that was the first time since these earthquakes I truly felt a pit of sadness that my mind couldn't quite grasp. I wanted to put the loss into perspective for myself- sometimes I do that in order to understand just what kind of suffering has taken place b/c I don't want for a second to take tragedies like this lightly.

Initially, my thoughts were "That would be like the entire state of Tennessee being wiped out." So, using the lovely google, I looked up the most recent population census taken for the state. 6 million people live in Tennessee. Realizing that the number was too large, I looked at the census for Franklin. The population is 40,000. Knowing this, my quest to gain perspective became scarier. Sitting there in my bed with the computer in my lap, I realized that the event would have been more like an earthquake destroying just a few cities out of the state of Tennessee. It would have been more like going about my evening and suddenly the world comes crumbling down for Spring Hill, Columbia, Franklin and the surrounding small towns. Or roughly, half of Nashville. Disturbing, right? (Also, did you know that Hurricane Katrina took nearly 1,200 lives? I had no idea.)

I said to myself "God, mother nature has the ability to perform quite the massacre. This is terrible."

It's hard to digest why such things happen in this world. Not for a second do I believe that this is the Lord's doing- He is not a God who seeks to destroy His children. But I do know that 'bad things happen' and it's easy to be angry at God for it all.

I was reading in Mark this morning about how Jesus healed a bleeding woman and restored a 12 year old girl's life. In chapter 5 verse 36, He speaks "Don't be afraid. Just have faith."

Don't be afraid. Just have faith.

Right there, that tells me that our Father KNOWS these things are going to happen, and He doesn't want us to deny that. But what He wants us to do in the middle of crisis is to have faith.

I have to say that after putting the effects of the earthquakes into perspective for myself, I felt afraid. I wondered how Chile and Haiti would ever overcome it and I felt the blow of reality that this is going to happen again.... and again..... and again.

But as God's children, we are to have faith. Not just faith, but faith without fear.

I know that living here in our cozy country, it's hard to feel like we can be a part of the healing that is going to have to happen. But every little attempt helps. There have been pastors and other figures in leadership positions that have said not to feel good just because you've written a check to donate to the cause of helping these countries. But you know what? That's not fair. The fact that people are even giving their money, even if it's just 20 bucks, shows that we, as Americans, care about the rest of our world. Everyone has a choice to react and if you've given even a small amount, good for you. I have faith that if a family has taken the time to give a little, that there are other families out there, too, giving a lot. And praise God for those who are able to physically help out- whether they're volunteering their time back here in the US or getting on a plane headed to the sites of destruction. Not all of us can do that, but like I said, thank God for the people that can do that right now. And what we all can do is pray.

I know that the death toll and tragic events seem so hopeless and terrible, but I also know that if we allow it, God can manipulate this situation into a story of hope. You can decide what that means for you. I know what it means for me. In the mean time, don't be afraid. Just have faith.

I know I said I wouldn't post another "Jesus Calling" devo but......

I guess I'll start this post with saying that the last few days have been emotionally draining for me. Obviously, the fact of what I did on Valentine's day never left my mind. Guilt just followed me around like a dark cloud. And my guilt was magnified with the response of silence, the response of more judgement and the response of anger/disappointment. But the second I decided to post those comments about my husband, I ASKED FOR the things to follow. You make a choice, you gotta deal with the consequences.

All that to say, I woke up yesterday hoping more than anything that I would open up Jesus Calling and read the exact words I needed to hear. Not only was I overwhelmed at the perfect words God placed on the pages that day for me, but for the reaffirmation of the support I was already being given from sweet words of my friends and husband. So I feel I need to share this:

"I AM WITH YOU. These four words are like a safety net, protecting you from falling into despair. Because you are human, you will always have ups and downs in your life experience. But the promise of My Presence limits how far down you can go. Sometimes you may feel as if you are in a free fall, when people or things you had counted on let you down. Yet as soon as you remember that I am with you, your perspective changes radically. Instead of bemoaning your circumstances, you can look to Me for help. You recall that not only am I with you, I am holding you by your right hand. I guide you with My counsel, and afterward I will take you into Glory. This is exactly the perspective you need: the reassurance of My Presence, and the glorious hope of Heaven."

It ended with this verse, which I found when I was 18 and have since then held so close to my heart:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

-Psalm 73:26

I hope this is encouraging for you today, because it was everything I needed to read yesterday. I am blown away by the equation that is simply seek the Lord and embrace His presence and He will give you exactly what He knows you need.

I haven't been myself lately. I am with 5 different little cuties monday-friday for a total of 49.5 hours a week and then when I come home, it doesn't stop. I make sure to cook dinner, and then have to clean that up, as well as maintain the rest of my house. Then I constantly think about everything else that needs to be done, like pay bills, get things settled from when our Jetta got hit recently, do our tax returns, go to the grocery store, do the endless pile of laundry, feed the dumb cat and scoop out his litter box.... the list goes on and on, I never get to quit. Therefore, I haven't been myself lately. I've let myself wear too thin and I stretched out too far the other day that I snapped. And made a fool of myself.

My idea for this Valentine's day didn't co-exist with Hunter's idea for this Valentine's day. Now, I will say that I gave Hunter a good head's up before V-day to please make it "special." In my terms, "special" was defined as make breakfast, clean something, a rose would be nice, let me have a break from my crazy life. In Hunter's terms, "special" meant a really thoughtful gift and dinner at a fun restaurant. BELIEVE ME, we did study The Five Love Languages and BELIEVE ME, we are still working on tending to each other's love language. But I slipped for a moment in thinking that Hunter just might have perfected my love language for Valentine's day. And because NO ONE is perfect, he did not (just as I have not perfected his love language). And because I was holding up such expectations, rather than embrace the incredible things that Hunter DID HAVE for me on Sunday, I crashed uncontrollably. I got sucked into what incredible things everyone was doing on V-day and dwelling on what I didn't get (or I guess, "didn't get what I wanted") and lashed out.

I do this when I'm in a weak season, because I let myself stray from focusing on my Stability, my King. I lash out. And I don't even think about the consequences in that moment- literally, they don't even cross my mind- all I want is for everyone to know what I'm going through right then and there. I said some things on facebook that implied that my husband had "failed me" for Valentine's day, and yeah. People noticed. My family is mad at me, heck, people I don't even know all that well are mad at me.

Here's the thing. Hunter is so loving, laid back and easy going. Me- I'm complex, emotional and almost too deeply involved in thoughts (that can be good, but in my case, it's bad a lot of the times... if that makes sense). So you've got a man who loves his wife so much that she can do no wrong. And then you've got a girl who is needy, but loves her husband more than anything in the world, but still needs him to make the effort in meeting her needs... if that makes sense. Whatever. My thoughts on Valentine's day were "I do so much for Hunter, I just want today to be an excuse for him to do for me all that I do for him......." I honestly saw no harm in that. But my thoughts backfired, because instead of getting on my knees and praying for strength to overcome it, I used a weapon. I mean, I can't even begin to describe to you the look he gave me when he started getting those texts and phone calls saying how mean I am. He knew right away that I posted something....

No, I don't think I held ridiculous expectations over Hunter's head that day, but WHAT WAS RIDICULOUS was how I handled it. I regret so much letting everyone on facebook know that I was having a bad Valentine's day, rather than keeping it a private matter between me and my husband.

After much crying and talking things through, Hunter ended our day with making dinner and dessert. Then, we watched our wedding dvd. I was reminded by the kind words from people in the video that mine and Hunter's marriage was arranged by the Lord. I know people are questioning our relationship now, but we do have such an incredible marriage. I blame what happened on Sunday on no one but myself. It's my fault I was in that state and it's my fault that I was disappointed. If I would have never strayed from the Lord's refuge in these times, then thoughts that my husband "let me down" would have never creeped in and destroyed my judgement. I am completely ashamed that I let my moment of weakness take over me and lash out publicly against my husband. Thanks to my husband's unconditional love and beautiful ability to forgive, we've overcome what I did on facebook. Now I pray for forgiveness from you and from myself.

The other day was so sunny. He wanted to wear my sunglasses (don't worry, I run in these. I know they're ugly). What a cutie.

Me and Hunter took him to an all you can eat sushi buffet. His favorite thing? The cream puffs.

It's snowing so hard right now!!! I love it! We're supposed to get 4-9 inches. I believe it! It's accumulating fast! We're already up to an inch!

This is our friends' little boy that I'm now keeping during the week. His name is Emerson and he is a CUTIE!

I was getting some cleaning done today and noticed that Emerson was following me around everywhere. If I was sweeping, he was holding the dust pan. If I was wiping something down, he was picking up the spray bottle. I started on the laundry and Emerson got so happy right away! So..... I just let him do his thing :)

I'm pretty sure he knows how cute he is. The videos are amazing- I was definitely laughing 'til I was crying in the first one!